The End

The sun sets on Wantirna College for another year...

Good evening, Wantirna College community!

You have now reached the end of this wonderful blog! This week is the 25th and final edition, and while nobody will read it due to cramming for tomorrow's English exam, I thought this one had better be big!

Over the last year, as a year twelve group we have been a part of some extraordinary things. We've been moved out of locker bays, outrun by Mr. Lewis, twisted around construction fences, locked out of toilets, and have endured countless hours of lectures by Bob Hillman in mentor groups every Tuesday.

In between, we've had to deal with Ms. Bell and Mr. Churchward's political structure of the school, some fantastic assemblies (my favourite being the notorious "Wantirna Goss" assembly!) as well as the turbulent nature of the year twelve social committee!

Every Wednesday night, these events have been documented (with a few stabs at Canadians, Tasmanians and Salford park residents kneeded in along the way!) on this cozy little website! It has been an absolute honour writing this blog for you, and I hope its content has provided some relief during the stressful times!

Thank you to the students and teachers who have followed me over the last few months. Thank you even more to the teachers whose daily jobs gave me inspiration to write this! And lastly, thank you to Ms. Bell! While I have not heard directly that you have read this blog, I will now confess that it was me who edited the School's wikipedia page, so I'm glad you enjoyed that at least!

The time has now come. We must all go our seperate ways. I myself will probably spend next year sitting at Knox City shopping centre, with a sideways hat and a straightened fringe! ...Hey, while I'm at it, maybe I should become a DJ!

Not really - I'll be heading to Libya to study a degree of military leadership, so I can head back to Wantirna College to teach!

All the very best,

Sam Sinclair
Wantirna College Student

A day in St Kilda

Wantirna Watchers!

Good evening. First and foremost, welcome to the second last of the great 25 blog posts of "Adventures of a Wantirna College Student". If you are new to the blog, please take a moment to look through some past entries and relive some fine year 12 moments of 2011!

For those of you who do not know, it has been a highly successful year for the year 12 students - the college's current alpha group. But just as Mufasa was brutally scratched off the side of a cliff by his comrade, yesterday meant the end of our reign. It was a grand day, full of uniforms fashioned into teen-appropriate clothing, sombreros and music!

Today was also quite a memorable day. In a bid to get us out of the school, the senior co-ordinators and social committee sent us to St. Kilda's Luna park for the day. As well as trying to stop glad wrapping and silly string turning nuclear, the excursion was designed to allow Wantirna's year 12's to explore St. Kilda culture as a 'stepping stone' into the real world.

Ringwood Secondary College also joined us for the show, succeeding us in the Luna Park trip. While St. Kilda was a very welcoming place, it was surprising to find that it in fact is not as it is portrayed. Despite there being hundreds of schoolgirls in the suburb today, Ricky Nixon was nowhere to be found...

Overall, it was still an excellent day. We headed back to school, and after a brief propaganda speech, were dismissed - forever! Goodbye Wantirna College!

Please help celebrate the year by joining me next week for the final (25th) blog post ever! There will be ice cream and wine tasting and the splendid unveiling of my gift to all of you - "The Coachroll!"

Sam

Black Dog

Hello Wantirna Watchers!

It is great to be on the web again - as some of you may have noticed, blogging for "Adventures of a Wantirna College Student" has been on unnofficial hiatus. This is because of a recent hip replacement that rendered me unable to use the internet!

No, I cannot lie to my peers. I did in fact not get a hip replacement (or undergo any medical procedures). The truth is that many of my teachers decided to play practical jokes, scheduling SACs just a few short weeks before exams! I unfortunately fell victim to the amusement, and as a result, blogging ceased temporarily. I do love a good joke at someone's expense every now and then, so I am keen to forgive on that one!

As many of you are by now aware, Wantirna College has a new "community member". A black dog by the name of "Tyrone". As a young twelve year old boy, I strongly remember struggling fiercely to have my enrollment accepted by Wantirna College - scraping in at last minute. However, these days it seems the college are accepting enrollments from all mammals in the animal kingdom. Well done Principal team!

Now our furry friend was introduced to us the other day at assembly as a "guide dog in training". However, due to the presence of a police officer, combined with the unneccessary need for Tyrone to walk through the students on his way to centre stage, it appears bluntly obvious what is going on.

Tyrone (if that is his real name) is not a guide dog, but a sniffer dog in disguise! It is a known observation that the college, in the eyes of the media, has been notorious in the past for shady events, and now it is that time of the year again! And coincidentally, the school enroll a "guide dog" to innocently sniff students' bags for the most destructive of narcotics! The school's plan last Tuesday was to catch students red handed using Tyrone to walk through the crowd! Ms Bell and a police officer were both present at the time, at the ready to apprehend any suspects!

However, unfortunately for College staff, "Tyrone" ditched drug sniffing for a toilet break. A rookie's mistake.

That will teach the school for locking the toilets!

Sam

Your average college week!

Hello again Wantirna Watchers!

This week has been another big week at Wantirna College - there are a few events that have happened that I must comment on. First, it is great to see the language/science centre finally completed. I noticed that apart from the sandstone bricks, much of the outside is painted a dark navy colour. Great colour choice, Principal team! It's going to look brilliant once the year nines make themselves at home!

Now Mr. McMillan has got busy this week! The renowned senior Legal Studies teacher has managed to band together the VCAL group and organise a charity can swap for a sausage and drinks, with donations going to the salvation army. It was inspiring to see many students swapping their cans for food items (and putting the canteen out of business!!), however there are two flaws in the plan!

A:)      Due to the lack of advertising in advance, many students were forced into donating slabs of beer and spray cans from their lockers - all they had on hand!

B:) Once a can was donated, the can of drink could be again donated for another once drunk. Thus the cycle repeats infinitely!

The third and final topic I'd like to discuss was the English practise exam held in the senior centre yesterday! Ms Sgroi (The famous rival of the great Mr. Newnham) has done a tremendous job of rounding up the year level's core English students and holding them in a room for three hours! While in there, her subordinates watched as the year was forced to discuss making rugs, burning witches and fighting by the bay. Sadly I do not study core english, so rather than partaking in these activities I was at knox, eating fast food like every other greasy teenager... However it seems that the material used in the english course has become rather bland when compared with its importance in life!

It's almost like a man of any profession can walk in to the VCAA these days and their material will be included in the course. Personally, I'd sooner read the "movie novel" of Brokeback mountain before I read a book about making carpets!

Well that's another week at Wantirna College! I hope to see you all next week for another exciting adventure!

Sam

Ross Huggard - Hero

Hello friends in Eastern Melbourne!

Well the end of the year is fast approaching and we are at the midway point through unit 4! How fast the year has gone - it seems like only yesterday we were discussing the motives behind the locked toilets. Some cheap stabs at Mr. Arico and some canteen jokes later and many of us year twelves are picking courses! How ridiculous!

Yesterday in mentor group, many of us year twelves witnessed a life changing phenomenon. we all sat in the lecture theatre, eagerly waiting to be addressed by Ms Sgroi. When the moment came, Ms Sgroi gave us a quick motivational speech, before introducing the most perculiar man on the planet!

Okay, so the man wasn't an eggplant (Although perhaps somebody seated in the back of the lecture theatre may disagree!) but he was dressed in purple! His hair was neatly groomed and his shoes were reflecting the lighting. Excellent!

Ross Huggard was his name, and he was here to teach us how to survive the English exam! Before his talk, Ms. Sgroi told us that taking notes was "imperative" if we wanted to pass. I must say peers, when I looked around the room, I was impressed that everybody was taking notes! Not about the topic he was speaking about of course, but also notes about him! After the assembly finished, I gathered the combined notes of a few people and found the following:

ROSS HUGGARD:

Maths formula:

(Willy Wonka) x (Mr Fernando) x (Moustache) = Ross Huggard

Possible resemblances:

Talking Eggplant

Cadbury Advertiser

Willy Wonka

Skinny Bob Hillman

Tinky Winky

U.S President Theodore Roosevelt

Any of these may be true, although due to the picture above, our guest speaker most likely bought their clothes from the Cadbury headquarters Op shop! Nonetheless, his speech to the year level was riveting! With a powerpoint that long and the voice of Chris Lilley, how could it not be!

I will finish off tonight's blog with the famous conclusion of the man himself:

"I hope you get the score you need, I hope this has helped you. Good luck!"

See you next week!!

Sam

Big Brother is watching...

Greetings school chums!

I have some exciting news that will benefit the ears of my more "stalker" fans (if you have a lifesized poster of me on your wall wearing metro designer clothing and expressing a "cute" half-smile, I'm talking about you) and that is that today marks the 21st edition of "Adventures of a Wantirna College Student". The number 21 is an important number at Wantirna College for three reasons:

21 individuals - The number of Year 12 students who are present in mentor group at any given Tuesday.
21 Hours - The longest detention Mr Arico has ever given.
21 Litres - The amount of pink paint that was used to decorate the year 9 locker bays last week!

How exciting! While you are celebrating this fine fact, let's move on to our serious issue for the week...

Peers, I am being watched. I knew this day would come! They are onto me! This week, many of Wantirna's teachers have been behaving quite strangely in my presence. Countless times this week I have walked into the senior centre to find Mr Moschetti and Mr Kelly cowering in fear of me! Countless times have I been studying in the library, to find Ms Lindton staring bullets into my head! Other teachers have shown not much more than subtle twitches as they pass me in G block, but that is certainly not accidental! Were the teachers blaming me for the price increase of Dim Sims at the canteen? Were they still holding a grudge on my hideous Deb ball dancing last year? No, I found out the answer in an encounter with Mr Pearson last monday...

"Encounter with Mr. Pearson"

This is horrible news peers! Now it is a known fact that Wantirna's "Code of Cooperation" system is just a fancy name for communism. And I hear Ms Bell has been learning a thing or two from China's president, Hu Jintao over the last few months. This recent alliance will most likely mean the internet will be censored by the Bell government, while I am hunted off the face of the earth.

Never fear peers! Like Wikileaks founder Julian Assange, I will never remain silent! It is my duty to portray the spirit of the College students, whether communism likes it or not! I must break the chains of oppression,  return next week!

It will be a difficult journey. I'm sure Mr Booth will be on my tail as I escape the country for a safehouse in Zimbabwe...

Farewell peers,

Sam

Band Camp

Hello my good friends!

Well tonight is blog day, and it is great to actually get a post out on a Wednesday! The last few weeks, due to taking up harp lessons and starting a stamp collection (which I intensely gaze at during nightfall), most blogs are being released on a Thursday. While this is not a good habit, a large portion of teachers are usually a month late with marking work.

This past week at Wantirna College, two HUGE events have taken place. Alot of you may not know what they are, due to the communist structure of the school, but there was infact two camps that ran for select students of all years. The camps were open to all years, from the prepubescant year 7's to the pleasant and tasteful year 12 students. Last week was production camp, a gathering of all the flamboyant, confident and charismatic individuals in one small room. Having been there as a special guest this year, I must say the experience was more intense than serving kangaroo meat at an animal rights meeting. The second camp was the notorious band camp...

Band camp students came back today. It sure is a suspicious event! In fact, the whole music program is a suspicious thing. The program, to the naked eye, seems like a perfectly healthy normal school group. But why is it that the school only plays brass music, when there are so many other genres! Mr. Hargrave's absence this year has only made the program appear to be more of a cult...He left telling students he had found a job at a girl's school, but this is untrue, as only females are allowed there. FLAWED EXCUSE!

No sign of Mr Hargrave...

Thus, I have three questions about music, which I need answering to!

1. Why are only brass players allowed on band camp?
2. What country is Mr Hargrave currently hiding in?
3. Why do they only play brass music? Is it some kind of mind control?

Please answer these questions quickly in the comments peers! Best answer wins. If you don't, the cult will grow before we can stop it! If the music program continues to exist secretively, we may very well lose our freedom to live...

All the best!
Sam

Careers excursion - Restaurant chain conspiracy?

Hola amigos de la escuela Wantirna!

Fasten your seatbelts, folks. Tonight's blog will take you on a great and powerful journey! A journey unlike any school excursions, as this ride does not require you to pay $10 dollars to ride the bus! Instead, you can read it for free and use that money to buy Yu-Gi-Oh cards or something.

Well it's the second week of term two at Wantirna, and things are getting pretty heated! For those of you who have not yet seen Mr. Lewis lately, he has become alot more energetic lately (reaching walking speeds of 100km/hr rather than the usual 80), and while I was standing far away, I could have sworn his head rotated 360 degrees when he was telling off a group of side-fringed year 7's! While the reason behind his energy remains a mystery, I believe I have figured out why this has happened...

"The Diagnosis"

Yes indeed, Wantirna-Watchers! Wantirna's school production is just around the corner, with many students ditching their masculine controlling father and basketball teams to join! This year I believe the title of the show is "Da Vinci Decoded", written by the college's drama teachers. My standards this year are quite high, and if there isn't a scene starring Mr. Cross or a hostile reference to St. Kevins College, I may just file an application to exit the college. Nonetheless, I anticipate that greatly!

My main discussion today however, is about a little year 12 event that happened on Tuesday. A couple of weeks ago, Ms Sgroi handed us a form, telling us it was vital to hand in on time. Nobody did of course - It's school tradition! But the forms were for a two hour excursion to Swinburne University, where we had discussions with University students about repetitive things. While it was great not to see Bob Hillman there making pregnant joke after pregnant joke, it makes me wonder why the college would send us away for two hours!

My first thoughts were that the school led us out so that the year 11's could graze peacefully at lunchtime, but after noticing the uncanny resemblance between Mr Foster and Colonel Sanders the other day, the whole situation became apparent...

The College led the year 12's out of the grounds so that they could transport KFC's secret recipe to a new location! Since year 7 I have heard rumours that the handwritten note was hidden in a vault under the ECA centre. Now that production is coming, Colonel Foster's finger-lickin' good recipe needed to be moved. What is on the minds of many students however, is where was it moved to? Now that is a Question!

Till next week!

Sam

Hidden Rooms...

Good evening peers! Welcome to this edition of Adventures of a Wantirna College Student!

If you have not visited here before, I will allow you to stay and enjoy the following few paragraphs (Unless of course, you are a Salford Park resident, but you probably are not, considering most are probably too old to even know what electricity is...)

Welcome to term 3 peers! It was great to see everyone at school with smiling faces despite the grim fact that many teachers, being deprived of human flesh the last two weeks, were eager to throw detentions in everyone's faces. Everyone's break seemed to be rather uneventful from what I've heard. 90% of people's holiday activities seemed to do with standing at train stations among people with skinny jeans and backwards hats. Being a stereotype teen and apprentice loiterer, it soundeed enjoyable, however my holidays revolved around a much more peculiar and dark incident which happened at the very college...

A few weeks back, Tim Horwill and myself were called to a staffroom. We must have been the most attractive college students in the eyes of the teachers (I hope Mr Bray voted!) because the school had lined us both up for a day of modelling in the holidays!

Now they told us this photoshoot was for school textbooks (I think it's a cover up, I'm guessing we'll end up on the front page of Librarians Weekly...). Cpt. Joseph Cooper was also to be modelling with us. Getting paid AND meeting the captain! What a glorious opportunity! But upon getting there I realised things were alot worse than I thought.

As I peered out of the science rooms, I noticed a mysterious bearded man loitering around beneath the library. I pointed him out to Joe, who recognised him as the Archives man! Apparently, according to the captain, Wantirna College keep records of every single student from the last 40 years in a room UNDER THE LIBRARY!!! And if that isn't strange enough, this bearded man was here in the holidays, moving the archives around the school! Quite honestly this came as no surprise; Wantirna's methods are based on corruption and close monitoring...BUT WHY UNDER THE LIBRARY?

Do the librarians ritually dance around the student archives every night to the humming of didgeridoos? Do they combine students' school photos onto boards and play Guess Who? And why is there a bearded man going through them all? My theory is the man was once a poor student who wandered in, looking for the preserved remains of Mr Arico's moustache and was locked in there and forced into silence...

Despite his possible good nature, I hereby am putting a bounty on his head

WANTED

Wanted for Questioning: The Student Archives Manager

REWARD

$5 - Schnitzel burger money

A lock of the suspect's beard as a token of bravery

A congratulatory letter from a year 7 student of your choice

Till next week,

Sam

The Chronicles of Wantirna XVII: The passing of Unit 3

Hello College Chums!

Tonight's addition to the blog comes on the last week of term 2! What a term it's been! Sometimes, it is very rewarding to look back on all the events that have passed over a period of time. Since the beginning of term, let's take a look at what has happened within our college, and also throughout the world:

1.  Osama Bin Laden was killed. The world's most wanted man is now a Mexican (that is interesting, because Mr Moschetti's gone on long-service leave....)
2. Ms Bell announced the construction of a variety of new buildings such as cafeterias, theatres and music centres. The current existing ones will likely be replaced with more downball courts...
3. Tom Macdonald shaved his study moustache before exams began. A controversial choice!
4. Current construction at Wantirna has pretty much gone nowhere (as usual of course!)
5. Mr. Beavis has been spotted wearing casual-dress more frequently during the last term.

As you can see, the last term has been a busy one for Wantirna College, unlike the state of Tasmania...

News in Tasmania:

1. A man may have possibly discovered electricity, but then forgot when he sobered up.

 What a term we've all been through, and there's no better way to end it, than with a fancy little party!

Yes, it seems the social comittee have actually spawned something other than demons, pain and horrific arguments. They have managed to work together (after voting out all males) to make formal go ahead, which is brilliant! This night of celebration will be held tomorrow, after school (which of course nobody will attend, due to wagging at knox, or perhaps going to a hair appointment). I am looking forward to the night, as it is a chance to dress like private school students. Despite my admiration of looking like a private school chap, I have decided to go with a more "Wantirna" style suit!

Suit plan - "The Mr. Cameron"

Since the holidays are upon us next week, I will be taking leave for the next two weeks, mostly so I can venture to Ozmosis every day once again, to improve my relationships with the female shop assistants.

Enjoy the holidays peers!

Sam

Civil War

Hello Wantirna Watchers! Welcome to this week's blog!

Now, alot of people despised the GAT last week. I enjoyed it. I mean, the content is completely irrelevent to anything in my life, but then again so was sitting in Mr Anderson's Physics class last year. The GAT allows you to write imaginitive stories, question whether brown rabbits have floppy or straight ears, and to top it all off, it's all multiple choice! Yet people still seem to hate it - it baffles me almost as much as year 8 girls who tie rubber bands in their shirts! or people who wear backwards hats to parties...

But enough of that for now. Today I tried studying in the library for the first time. I entered the facility looking for a safe haven so I could study without being distracted by mishaps. "Surely the library is a nice, quiet place to study!?" Turns out I was wrong...

The school library, peers, is the scene of a nasty Wantirna College civil war! The Year 9 students are at one side of the disagreement, and apposing them, a band of librarians! The year 9 students were on youtube today, watching videos of people stealing bikes. All of a sudden, a loud "LOG OFF THE GAMES!!" filled the room. Within seconds, three other librarians sprung out of nowhere! The year 9's were startled. Fear filled their faces as all four librarians then demanded to see the poor students' planners! Consequently, the librarians apprehended them.

It made me wonder: who are these librarians? and what is their obsession with signed planners? I did realise though that planners do make an exceptional decoy to lure the librarians out of college grounds...

Upon speaking with fellow peers, it seems the librarians have not only been targeting year 9 students, but all students. So what is it that librarians aim for? Now it's no secret that like China, Wantirna College is built on communist foundations (I'm surprised the IT crew haven't censored this site, or sent me to a factory for that matter). But what are they hiding? These are my suspicions:

1. The librarians suffer from a rare disease that prevents them from reading books unless they maintain a daily exposure to signed planners.
2. At the direction of Mr Pearson, they are real-life servants of "The matrix".

3. They are the ringleaders of a student crime syndicate, issuing operations such as toilet graffiting, chewing gum dealing and the notorious "punch-on hoaxes"...

Whatever the case, today has proven to me that the Wantirna College library is a hostile ground. If you ever get the chance, use the senior centre to study. Sure, the library has books, but amongst Wantirna's own civil war, it is impossible to work in there...

Would YOU study in Libya?

Until next week Comrades,

Sam

No Video Blog?

Good evening, peers!

"Is the title of this blog right? Is there no video blog this week? Now how will I procrastinate studying for my English SAC!?"

Unfortunately friends, this is true. I have been decieving you the last few weeks. Two weeks ago I vowed to produce the first ever Wantirna College Video Blog, but due do the poor weather and a ridiculous other issue (We seem to have so many!), I have been prevented from filming. You may notice I am not using the internet abbreviation, "vlog" to describe the video. I have purposely avoided this, as this blog is not called "Adventures of a 30-year old Canadian World of Warcraft fan".

"Hockey, Snow, Vlog, Justin Bieber, Hockey, Mr Hookgamer, Vlog"

The main reason I could not film the video log was because of a terrible assault I was victim of recently. This assault came in the form of a six-page question sheet dealt to me by Mr. Lewis and Mrs. Cleven in Maths Methods. Now, this maths SAC was unlike any other I have done, because there were more letters than numbers! Is this really what year 12 maths has come to? It was like painfully reading through the latest twilight novel, only to realise at the end you had to divide the first half of the book by the second! Or perhaps like getting a Costco membership only to find that all they sold was bedpans...

It was definately a cunning move by the methods teachers. Even with literature as a subject I wasn't able to square root any of the paragraphs, which has brought about this downfall I am facing. To make it easier to understand the horrors of this SAC, I have taken the time to write a quick analogy:

Maths Methods SAC 2 was like:

1. Buying a Camel
2. Putting it into a Mulcher
3. Leaving the Mulch in the D-Block toilets for two months
4. Eating the Mulch

While I realised after I wrote this that the canteen probably already uses this method of food preparation, hopefully it still does the job explaining this pain. All I can say is I hope next week's environmental Science exam is actually about the environment...

Good luck for mid year exams next week, peers! If the VCAA doesn't play lucky dip with the content of next week's exam, Wantirna's video blog will be released!

Sam

Sick Day

Hello Students, friends, Tasmanians!

Well first and foremost, I'd like to say welcome to this Wednesday's blog about the brilliant events and unfortunate Shenanigans that occasionally happen at Wantirna College.

This week I told some of my fellow peers that this week's entry was to be a video blog. However, due to my inability to film things, and recent controversy and threats over last week's blog ("No Mr Churchward! Not Guantanamo!"), the first "Adventures of a Wantirna College student Vlog" will be released next week! This means today we will be discussing a different issue.

Today I was sick - I didn't go to school. Instead I spent the day at home sleeping and doing productive things. All-in-all it was probably a good move, as the chances I had no classes due to absent teachers was almost certain. As many of you have already noticed, the number of teacher absenses this week has skyrocketed! I have even heard reports that not only have the "every fortnight" teachers been away, but also the teachers of Steel have taken personal leave (notably, it was Mr. Beavis' first absense ever the other day! Congratulations!) Well sure, it's becoming winter and people tend to get things. But this many teachers?

That very thought made me wonder. Where are these teachers going? Are they in hiding from the Taliban after hearing about the recent deaths of Australians? Perhaps a vile of smallpox was mistakenly placed into a staffroom kettle? Or maybe some just woke up feeling slightly abnormal and thought it would be enough to get a doctor's certificate...

It seems as well that whenever teachers are absent from school, it's always the wrong ones. If Mr. Moschetti was away, there would be a feast bigger than Christmas that would happen in the senior centre! But as he is not a regular, that thought remains but a dream...

At this rate, school administration should probably change the absence list to an absence novel (and while they're at it, list it as a English text) if this is going to be the case all Winter!

Well let's just hope teachers can get that third arm amputated before mid-year exams!

Sam

Mandatory Disclaimer: These views are not endorsed by students of the College. Teachers have the right to take Personal leave when necessary under the Teacher's Union Act. Wantirna College does not manage this site, nor does it endorse this innacurate representation of its teachers, students and College events.

The Stock Market

Hello Wantirna watchers!

Well today, for those who are interested, is Thursday! What the ridiculousness is going on!? "Wednesday is Blog day, Thursday's supposed to be nap day!" - you may be saying. Well I do have a reasonable excuse (that isn't related to staring at Mr. Hookgamer) and that is that it was my eighteenth birthday yesterday. While the event was a glorious one, it means my maturity must be bumped up. As a result, the blog from now on will be extremely serious. So from henceforth, here are the new guidelines of "Adventures of a Wantirna College Student":

1. No cheap stabs at teachers with facial hair. Mo exceptions!
2. No puns.
3. Blog title must sound intelligent.


Well let me just say that the rules apply next week! Because this week I have something special to discuss:

Earlier today, Miss Bell sounded the bells for an emergency assembly. As found out in this assembly, it seems our majestic little college is caught up in a facebook scandal! Along with Ms Sgroi and the wise-bearded Mr. Bray, Ms. Bell spoke of a facebook page named Wantirna Goss. Apparently the page owner posts rumours of Wantirna College students sent in by peers, which provide a second's enjoyment for the average teen. I knew what she was talking about, having visited the site myself the night before. It was Absolutely atrocious!! Not only did I not know anybody in the rumours, but there was also no profile picture! Quite a cheap and poorly planned job if you'd ask me (it would be like adding twenty downball courts to a lush green oval...ohh wait).

Nonetheless, Ms Bell was quite threatening. She told us if we didn't unfriend Mr. Goss, we'd be forced to "have a chat". All I can say is that I hope the fellow behind Wantirna Goss is running away while he can...

It is quite obvious who the culprits are. While at first it appeared to be St. Kevins College, it is easily figured out to be Wantirna McDonalds. They have had a grudge against Wantirna students ever since a bunch of year 9's came in and trashed the place a few weeks ago. Peers! They are using technology to play our game. Well, this next week it's game on!

This man is completely innocent after all...

Sam

Hello Wantirna! Here's some "Wantirna Goss": Due to a very busy night, tonight's blog has not been released. Instead it will be unravelled at this same time, but TOMORROW! Hope to see you then!

Wantirna's Cross Country

Good evening, Wantirna watchers!

Well I'm assuming this week views of the blog will be slightly fewer, due to Chris Lilley's Angry Boys being shown tonight ("it's basically angry birds, but with swear words" - Pretentious Year 10 Student, Courtyard). Due to the fact that nobody will be reading, my blog this week will be unplanned and filled with propaganda!

This, fellow comrades, is the face that betrayed you!

Now I wouldn't really do that. Mr. Bennett is a good, intelligent and righteous man, even if he has shaved off his moustache since defecting to other Colleges...No, today, my peers, I report to you on the school's Cross Country!

A few weeks ago I signed up for the school's cross country, in order to get an insight on what really happens in the big event. I guess I must have forgotten the date, because on Tuesday in homegroup I was unexpectingly given a race number to wear, as well as a map of the course. Turns out the cross country was later that day, and I hadn't given it a thought. Now this was okay, apart from blogging, I only did it to travel the so-called "Wantirna food circuit" (like everyone else who signs up)...

However, this year things seemed odd. Instead of running the food circuit, we were to be running six laps of the oval...how dull! It makes me wonder what happened. Perhaps the principal team were at Wantirna McDonalds that afternoon, negotiating a peace treaty for the ongoing troubles? I contemplated pulling out, however I had heard rumours I would be running alongside Wantirna's College Captain, Cpt. Joseph Cooper, which immediately lured me in once again. And once I had my uniform, I was good to go!

The day turned out well. I did indeed run alongside Cpt. Joeseph Cooper, as well as Wilson Ko and Brenton Dickson, but unfortunately however, Cpt. Cooper ended up pulling out on the second lap, due to an injury. I ended up coming last out of the three remaining year 12 boys, but I only attribute this loss to the distractiveness of Mikaela Dewar, who kept trying to talk to me about useless garbage every time I tried to overtake Wilson.

Until next week friends!

Sam

Upcoming Exams

Hello, Wantirna Watchers! Today is Blog Day for our quaint suburban school. I've heard word of this blog has gotten to teachers' ears. So from now on I will be using this space to suck up and say: Ms. Bell, you are running the institution brilliantly. Mr. Arico, I wish you hadn't shaved your mustache. Mr. Davison, your accent sounds like Prince Charles. Mr. Connell, where art thou?

This week at Wantirna College, we had open night (where the school opened its grounds and bombarded the pleasant primary school parent with propaganda for new recruits to the Churchward army). In mentor group yesterday, some guest speakers from Elevate Education came to increase student morale for the upcoming June exams. It was actually great to see that the school had gone to the trouble to hire very helpful public speakers, unlike previous months...

While Elevate education were helpful, I thought the tips for exams they gave were not "suited" to the students of our generation. In fact, they were probably more suited to Zimbabwean students of the 1960's than to us. So here I present my own study tips for Year 12 Mid-Year exams for 2011! If you apply all three of them, your ATAR score may increase from 89.95 to 100.95...

1. Bail or Fail
Yeah I know, they tell us not to wag classes, but it is quite ridiculous going to one class that you're up to date in, when you can just go to knox and think about other homework whilst sucking down a thickshake! Perhaps you could sit at the bus stop and talk schoolwork with a kid who has a billion piercings in his mouth.

2. Have a "Stress Reliever"
Many men in the 1930's used their wives for this technique, but since civil violence is out these days, intra-marital stress relief is a big no-no. I advise students to take part in activities that ease the stress of exams. Personally, Mine happens to be Knick-Knocking once a week, but it can really be anything. For best results, it is best to relieve stress at the expense of another individual. Incidentally, Mr Anderson's stress reliever is his marking system in SACs, which almost exploits the "expense of another individual" rule.

3. Don't join the Social Committee
Biggest mistake you will make, just being there will make you so frustrated that you will probably end up expelling yourself in favour of a mental institution.

These three rules have been scientifically proven (by Wantirna's own lab assistant lady) to help you during exams. They are so beneficial infact, that it would be ridiculous not to follow them. If you listen to Elevate education's morale speech over these tips, you're about as useless as Richmond Football Club (judging by their game, their pre-game talks probably come from an overweight man in a Bear costume). With that, my fellow peers, i wish you all the best for exams.

Sam

Building Erections

Good evening peers!

Well tonight's blog will be an exciting one, and not because the word "erection" is in the title. This week has been a big one, especially in the news. On Monday, whilst at knox, I was surprised to find the foxtel sellers in the middle of the store not trying dive on me with brochures, or even say hi at all. Instead they were watching their own tvs along with about twenty other people. It turns out Osama Bin Laden had been killed in Pakistan. While this is big news, I am unsure whether it is entirely accurate, as I'm pretty sure Mr. Brennan already locked him up under the library and stole his beard.

Well enough of that. This blog this dedicated to some particularly more interesting topics arising at Melbourne's favourite school this week. Wantirna's biggest issue this week (besides wagging, puberty and those pizza's they're selling at the canteen) is Ms Bell's announcement of more meaningless construction in the future.

So it seems the school enjoyed turning the schoolgrounds into a maze last year. So much so that they have decided to do it again, but on a whole new level. YAY! As many students are aware, we were informed of these announcements in a mentor group assembly (well, more of a dictatorship class) on Tuesday.

Now obviously when the brains behind this idea was a complete Genius, when they decided to build music rooms and a lecture theatre. they clearly didn't realise that we already have these buildings. And a cafeteria!? What good would that be? When I go to buy a schnitzel burger, I would rather not be sitting at a table while spiky-haired year 8's throw 2-minute noodles in my face. Furthermore, I would rather attend 50 Arico detentions than have a greasy lunchlady make me drink bean-curd Juice every second day.

I believe there is a conspiracy here, as these three buildings are completely unnecessary (then again, so have been all constructions in the last five years). Perhaps the teachers want to turn the school into a fence-maze to play pac-man every night? Perhaps they realised that students are using the ECA toilets, and want to make using them harder? My personal opinion is that they want to build monuments commemorating themselves to promote "respect" in the college (as shown below). Or maybe it was just the idea of Mr. Churchward. An idea that was planted in him when he dozed off reading a book about the cold war.

The teachers actually intend to construct a mountain encarvement, reminiscent of the famous "Mount Rushmore".

Who knows what the school are planning. It is times like this when I wonder what life would have been like if Mr. Bennet hadn't defected. But until Obama stops partying over Bin Laden's death and actually comes to our rescue, Democracy at wantirna college is nothing more than a dream. A dream.

Sam

School's return

Hello, Wantirna College students!

Well, the first blog day of term 2 has arrived, which is quite an exciting start to the new term at Wantirna. Today was the first day back, and I'm glad they chose Wednesday because it allowed us to run back to the knox at 12:35, rather than just come back to school cold turkey. This was a good idea, as it catered for the majority of the College's students, who treated the holidays as "foodcourt fortnight".

Surprisingly though, I was not affected by the foodcourt fad over the holidays. While many students were camping outside Hungry Jacks, I spent my time camping next to a family of rednecks, who constantly yelled at their kids to stop playing with their "toys" (empty wine cask "goon" bags) near the fire (probably cooking roadkill). Being educated at Wantirna College, I had never been taught about these interesting people, and made the quick assumption that they were probably from Tasmania. Apart from this, my holidays were spent polishing classical skills. Painting bowls of fruit, wine-making and Equestrian were on the first week's agenda.

Having been so busy for the two weeks, it was a relaxing day at Wantirna today. As I walked to into the school, it was a great feeling to see the year seven boys cringe as they endured girl-initiated awkard hugs. It was fantastic to see Mr. Lewis as he ran past me through the courtyard at an incredible speed. And on top of all things, it was great to finally return to to the royal quality of the canteen food.

Please join me next week as we discuss the arising issues of term 2 at Wantirna College in 2011! Don't worry about SAC study, the blog will guide you through the big one. It's bail or fail here peers,

Sam

Parent-teacher Interviews

Hello Wantirna college community! Well, today is Wednesday, hereby known as "blog day" (among other terms are Hump day, knox day, nap day, parma night and many more). Today we will be exploring some of the finer details of the week. In particular one event which stands out.

The week at Wantirna College has been relatively quiet, apart from a whole bunch of primary school students who arrived to visit, and shortly after bullied me into buying them all potato cakes. I also heard that many of the children suffered greatly from the locked toilets (and having lost all my potato cake money, I did not inform them of the "Salford Park Method"!), and were forced into near-miss situations. This week however, a new problem has arrived.

Well I'm assuming many of you by now have been locked up by your parents, starved for days, with nothing in your room but a toilet and small washbasin. Maybe your parents have set up a small court room in the living room, as mine often do...Or perhaps some of the more cunning have taken up the name "gonzalo" have fled on Donkeys to Mexico. The reason for this, my friends, is because of parent-teacher interviews on Tuesday!

Parent teacher interviews is among the most dreaded days on the Wantirna College calender. It is an inarguable day of terror, which involves teachers "meeting "the parents of students, though it is structured more like a series of five-minute police interrogations. At wantirna, there are three different kinds of teachers at interviews, each with an increasing level of danger:

1. The "Mr Fernando"

The kind of teacher who does not worry about the student's achievements, but instead uses the time to tell personal stories to parents.

2. The "Jekyl and Hyde"

The teacher who acts extremely nice to you in class, but during interviews suddenly becomes possessed by ruthlessness and criticism.

3. The "Relentless Pessimist" 

It doesn't matter how you go, this teacher will always have negative feedback and reccommendations for punishment to give to parents.

Yes, your son may be perfect, but he needs to lift his game!

Fortunately this year, I was given mostly category "1" teachers, whom my parents completely believed, and consequently I am not in a car-boot, travelling to Mexico. However, my heart goes out to all of you in the classes of level "3" teachers, who probably left the school in the back of their parents' home-made divvy vans, in handcuffs...It's lucky I swapped out of physics!

On a happier note, holidays are around the corner, which means Wantirna-free fun!

Consequently, this means blogging will cease until the first wednesday of term 2

Sam

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their school...

Hello Wantirna College followers! Well another week in Wantirna's history has gone by, which means there are increasingly more issues to address in this week's post. But this week I will be addressing just one terrible issue. And that issue is Saint Kevin's College, Heyington.

Last week, Wantirna's year 9's went on New Horizons city experience. From what I've heard, our year of hormonal hurricanes had a lot of fun participating in Wantirna traditions (MCG tours, jaywalking, A court visit and picking up women at The Shrine were all on the agenda). Well if you are not a student of Wantirna, you may be pacing angrily, shouting to yourself "These traditions aren't terrible issues! This blog is as useless as Lindsay Lohan's dinner!!" Well my friend, these traditions are all well and good. The main issue on city experience occurs during the ride home.

Saint Kevins College, Wantirna peers! We all encountered these villains on the way home from city experience. Their school is situated right outside the horrific Heyington station, which most students use to get home. Year after year Wantirna College students have been enjoying the casual train ride home until being disrupted by St. Kevins students (To a point where fights have been narrowly avoided!). Let me assure you friends, these foes have been born and raised to confront us! To confront Wantirna College! And while the students appear to be the rich kind (who sip tea, buy their girlfriends from french merchants play polo etc), they are 100% committed to going out of their way to making sure every one of us gets a nice big foot in the crotch.

George Washington Bush. St. Kevins Founder

and source of all Wantirna College's problems.

Fortunately I came up with a plan. Bloodshed and scarred I returned to my school after the last day of city experience, intent on seeking revenge against Saint Kevins College for its inhumane treatment of the Glen Waverly line. Ms. Bell, being an-ex communist, heard me, and arranged the construction of a language centre at Wantirna. But do not let that fool you! This is it's true purpose!!

Comrades, I urge you to support me in this plan against thy enemy. Until the "language Centre" is complete, always be well armed when around Heyington station, for these communist guerillas are more powerful than their posh and well dressed appearances.

Semper Fi.
Sam

Pyjama Day

Hello again, school peers.

This week I have a rather interesting situation to present to you all - and that is Wantirna College's glorious Year 12 pyjama day.

Well I've put the word Glory in for a reason there, and that is because I soon realised after seeing the bubbly signs all over the locker bays, that I don't wear pyjamas! Well before you laugh immaturely and make nude jokes that reference Charlie Sheen, I don't actually sleep naked. It seems however, that most people in the year level don't own pyjamas either; as many are buying pairs for fear of having nothing to wear, and rocking up with the excuse "I sleep in an invisibility cloak". But finding adequate pyjamas is a very difficult task.

My first thought was to visit Knox tomorrow to buy some, Until I realised I'd probably end up in ozmosis, getting distracted by an extremely attractive shop assistant.

My next thought was to head to the Salford park retirement home, however it seems old folk tend to be less conscious of their bowel movements, so perhaps borrowing pyjamas off uncle Bill will be a bad idea as well. It seems the perfect pair of pyjamas are very elusive...

My only final option is to borrow pyjamas from Wantirna-renowned mathematician, Mr. Beavis. However this will be risky, as due to the fact that it is not casual friday, he will deny owning pyjamas, saying he just sleeps in his suit.

My peers, I bid you good luck finding suitable pyjamas for the day. The task will be hard and will lead many of you astray. If you fail in finding a pair, a bathrobe and cigar ALWAYS work. Look at Hugh Hefner!

Until next time, friends!
Sam

Study Moustache

Hello fellow peers! Today I write to you with a handy study tip I learned whilst talking with the great Tom Macdonald last friday. And that is to grow a Study moustache!

Yes you may be thinking some of the following: Why do I need a moustache? I'm a girl? My brother got 98 and all he had were sideburns and a goatee?

Well...Tom's growth plan for the study mo is this:

1. When he starts to revise for a big SAC, he stops shaving.
2. The moustache symbolises wisdom and power, especially when stroked.
3. After completing the SAC, Tom shaves it off
4. He repeats steps 1-3 Until he Ranks #1 in every class at the end of the year
5. For the exam, he grows a "Santa Claus", or an "Osama Bin Laden" - This symbolises Joy and terror respectively.

Well despite liking this idea, I cannot participate, as my facial hair growing abilities are running five years late, however I will address some frequently asked questions regarding this issue.

Q: I am a female and would love to participate. may I?
A: Short answer no. If you are a female, you may not grow a moustache. Female moustaches are only to be grown if the woman is of Mexican descent.

Q: Are moustaches good for Other things? or only SACS?
A: Moustaches can be used for many abilities. Memory expansion, food storage are common. If you are interested in the Arico Mo in order to give out detentions, you must first complete 3 years of training in Russia.

Q: I work in the canteen. Due to health and safety I'm not allowed?
A: I'm afraid not, since Mr. Bennet and his Moustache left, Moustache rights have unfortunately gone down. There is nothing we can do currently, until Ms. Bell grows one. Stay updated!

So my advice to you, peers: If you want to do well in SACs, and not have Ms Wilson yelling at you every day, saying how her kids will smash you in VCE, do as Tom did, and grow a study Mo!

Till next week,
Sam

The Janitor - Who you gonna call?

Hello Wantirna Watchers! It's been a whole week since last post and various issues at Wantirna College have arisen, So it's time to put down our pencils, guitars, pictures of Katy Perry or perhaps, if you're in Mr. Arico's class, pile of detention slips, because it's time to discuss a particular occurence I saw this week. And that is our resident Ghostbuster, the Janitor!

I first saw this fine man whilst drifting in and out of sleep in Ms. Steele's period 1 literature class. We had a practise SAC, but I couldn't keep my eyes open. So most of the period was spent gazing out the window like some kind of mad man with dementure. All of a sudden, the school janitor flew around the corner of the G-block rooms! He was wearing short shorts and a button-up shirt, as well as a cap. He was on a mission! But the most interesting thing was...He had a massive vacuum-cleaner like unit strapped to his back!!! This guy really thought he was a Ghostbuster!

"Get away from my maths rooooms!!"

Now I had seen this guy before. A few times before school I got to the ECA centre only to find him playing some intense table-tennis against Mr. Chiczewski. Nonetheless, he was a very mysterious character. It makes me wonder whether he acts like this to fulfill a childhood dream that diminished when he started smoking weed in high school, or whether the school has asked him to clean G-Block of ghosts, perhaps the ghosts of previous Wantirna teachers, Ms. Cook or Mr. Connell? Maybe the middle years team thought they saw a giant marshmallow man wandering the school? Regardless of this, he was extremely enthuisiastic and serious about what he was doing!

So next time Mr. Ghaly's got you doing a legal studies SAC, take a glance out the window! Wantirna's janitor, the fourth Ghostbuster is always nearby!

Till next week,

Sam

Locked Toilets

Hello Wantirna Watchers! It seems this issue has arisen in days of late involving the school's toilets and bathrooms to be mysteriously locked during classes. It seems these days, even prisoners in jail have access to a toilet (in fact, they barely even need to walk two steps!), so for those of you wondering whether Mr. Booth went crazy, or perhaps having suspicions that the Soviet Union have taken over Wantirna College, let us discuss the toilets.

A few years back there was only one set of locked toilets, the ones in the F-Block area. No doubt people became suspicious, because it eventually became common knowledge that the previous school principal, Mr. Bennett, was being held captive in there the last few years after his "Resignation". This myth is yet to be proven, however the recent construction removed every F block building EXCEPT the mysterious locked toilets, which further points to the myth being fact. Now however, it has been decided that every  toilet block in the school must be closed. I wonder why? Perhaps the teachers are getting even with the trouble caused by year 8 students? Perhaps studying with a burst bladder has proven to be more productive?

I would assume many of the school students by now have picked up that there are other toilets, and pathways to toilets beyond Wantirna. Did New Horizons teach you nothing? Need a toilet? Find one! Salford Park my friends! There must be a 2:1 ratio of toilets to old people!!! and there's HEAPS of old people!!! If that's not appropriate, Adam and Eve never had toilets! Quite honestly, they didn't care where they went, as long as it didn't affect the other. Do as they do today!

Perhaps this whole time, Wantirna College was planning to throw this on us. They gave us Personal best to work with a plan. New Horizons to broaden our way of thinking and coping with challenge. There was central Australia camp in year 11! We were away from society, where toilets were few! Friends, it was all to prepare us for the day they locked the toilets for good!!! With my advice and your own free will and decision-making, you should also get through this tough final year...Good luck with your toilet plan, peers.

Sam